Proof that parents *are* bad for you

Let me start by clearly stating that I love my parents very much! I admire them for their 40 years of marriage (being celebrated this weekend) and I very much enjoy spending time with them, whether here in the UAE or in the home land.

With that disclaimer out of the way....

My recent spate of family visits - during which I was naturally called on to entertain, play tour guide, abandon the low carb diet and drink lots of fine wine - seems to have undone a lot of headway made in getting into shape and losing a kg or two along the way.

Work hasn't helped in the times in between playing host...do these companies not know there's a global economic downturn in full swing? Of course not - because here it has been officially declared 'over' by the powers that be. Well it was getting a bit 'yesterday's news'! So I guess that was that and now we can all get back to some heavy duty spending.

Similarly, with the sofa bed packed away for a few weeks I donned trainers and headed for the running track after work yesterday...only to be wiped out and gasping for breath minutes into setting up stride. The shame as I felt my right arm lose feeling to selflessly donate blood toward the struggling leg/foot area, and the disappointment as my friends legged it on ahead (not for long tho - that'll teach 'em!!).

I finished ok, but am vowing to raise my game for sure.

Having beaten myself up over this, however, I did get back in the car and notice the temperature gauge reading a sweaty 34 degrees.

Here comes the summer....

Camel cloning in the UAE

I couldn't not mention this story...

Dubai scientists have cloned the first camel. Priceless.

What is it about radio adverts that makes them so painfully bad?

I've never been involved in a radio campaign - we leave that to the advertising bods - so this isn't me speaking with any kind of authority...just as a Dubai driver that spends a lot of time in my Jeep with only the radio and a world-class display of bad driving skills to keep me entertained.

There are so many that I would like to make tribute to, but I'll keep it to the top offenders that spung to mind this morning.

The shortlist of joint winners for most annoying are:

>> Air Arabia, where the voiceover changes not only mid ad, but mid sentance. A young high-pitched girl with an American accent says "The food is good but I'm not a big eater..." "....so why should I pay for more than I want?" continues the smooth voice of a middle aged British woman. Seamless! (not to mention really pathetic scripting)

>> Etisalat, boasting it's "official" partnership with Barcelona football club, apparently values the relationship so highly and is sooo closely integrated that it has renamed Barcelona's world famous Neu Camp stadium to Camp New. If ever there was a proof point of a close partnership, this clearly isn't it.

>>Anything that is sponsored by du du du du du du duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

>> One that recently - thankfully - departed our airwaves: the Al Agria ad for Cirque du Soleil. Not only did the ear splitting 3-second music clip have me reaching to change channel every time it was played (at every ad break on every single sodding station) but the guy that they interviewed to say how fabulous it was had clearly been dragged there by his wife and managed a distinctly unenthusiastic "It's nice, yeah. I've seen it twice now". Wow what a testimonial, pass my my credit card immediately.

Ode to National ID cards

I can't remember whether I've mentioned this before but Dubai is taking a shot at an initiative that the UK has been debating, objecting to, procrastinating on, lobbying, demonstrating against and generally acting all of a quandry about for a good 5 years at least.

National ID cards.

As a quick summary, at some point last year the Government decided that everyone had to have an ID card. Finally around October 2008, this hitherto best-kept-secret made it into the press and let everyone know they had a couple of months to get it done. Imagine the scene at the ID office that day, after several months of wondering why no one was coming through their door!!

Anyway, these smart cards will replace the need to have a driving licence, work permit, employee card, and all that - even replacing passports for travel in the GCC. Without it Emirati's can't get access to government services like healthcare, and expats....well I can't remember what happens to us. Which is probably why I duly dropped my form in to the Jumeirah branch of Emirates Post on November 11th last year and promptly forgot about it.

The deadline for white collar professionals was originally early December, then we got another two weeks....and then until 2011! Clearly the scale of the undertaking was coming to light.

I only mention this now because, having abandoned hope of ever owning one of these cards and wondering when would be an appropriate time to look into the relevant legal/deportation implications, my application has been processed!

It's a 6-month miracle and calls for celebration.

So I wrote a quick poem. It's called Ode to National ID Cards

National ID cards are a nuts idea...
That the UK bods can't even get near...
But here in Dubai, where the limit's the sky...
We don't actually get a choice so just give up your fingerprints and a large amount of personal information that may or may not result in us all being defrauded, spammed and cloned before the actual cards even appear

And by the way, when I say 'processed' I mean I received a sheet of paper containing 11 bar codes.

Funnily enough, I'm not feeling under pressure to rush on this one.

meme

I couldn't resist...and it only takes 2 mins right?!

1) What is your salad dressing of choice? French (low cal)
2) What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Miss Siam in Twickles, or Tokyo at the Towers in Dubai (for pure entertainment value)
3) What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of? Halloumi
4) What are your pizza toppings of choice? sweetcorn and mixed peppers, perhaps an artichoke or two
5) What do you like to put on your toast? I don't eat toast. But if I did it would be Veggimite
6) How many televisions are in your house? 1...for dvd only
7) What color cell phone do you have? black
8) Are you right-handed or left-handed?Right
9) Have you ever had anything removed from your body? just teeth
10) What is the last heavy item you lifted? I can't actually remember - there's usually someone to do it for you around here
11) Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Yes - by a kitchen cabinet door while a little tipsy at a student party in Birmingham
12) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No, definitely not
13) If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I like my name. I used to like the name Jenny, but then I called my dog that so it's no longer suitable for me
14) Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? No - I would need way more 0's than that
15) How many pairs of flip flops do you own? See earlier blog! Lots - I have to buy a pair every time I go for a pedicure and forget to take a pair with me
16) What is/are your goal/s for the year? Enjoy life, lose weight, learn a bit more Arabic, do well in my job (ongoing!)
17) Last person you talked to? Elizabeth...about how I don't drink enough water
18) Last person you hugged? James, who is leaving Dubai at the end of the week
19) Favorite Season? Also see earlier blog! There is hot and hotter here...I prefer the former
20) Favorite Holiday? My impromptu Christmas trip to London, skiing in Killington and my latest Sydney/NZ extravaganza (I couldn't pick just one!)
21) Favorite day of the week? Friday
22) Favorite Month? October - my birthday and perfect weather
23) First place you went this morning? Bathroom
24) What's the last movie you saw? Duplicity. And I have to watch it again to understand it
25) Do you smile often? Yes - lots
26) Do you always answer your phone? Mostly, but not always
27) It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? Lawrence!
28) If you could change your eye color what would it be? I wouldn't change it from blue/grey - it changes itself when I'm tired or angry
29) What flavor drink do you get at Sonic? Huh?
30) Have you ever had a pet fish? A goldfish - technically my brother's I think
31) Favorite Christmas song? Santa baby - cheese on a stick
32) What's on your wish list for your birthday? Tiffany's and a happy day
33) Can you do push ups? Well yes, ladies ones anyway
34) Can you do chin ups? Hahaha...no
35) Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Excited
36) Do you have any saved texts? Yes - some by accident, but others just because...
37) Ever in a car wreck? Yes
38) Do you have an accent? Generally not, but a bit Yorkshire on some words...however no one can quite put their finger on what those words are
39) What is the last song to make you cry? Probably one of the songs from Les Mis last summer
40) Plans tonight? Running then early to bed
41) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? I thought so at the time, but I probably didn't. I have, however, hit Rock Bottom...mostly Ellie's fault
42) Name 3 things you bought yesterday. I don't think I bought anything yesterday, but I do owe Ben for dinner!
43) Have you ever been given roses? Yes
44) Current hate right now? myself for eating manaeesh! Oh the calories!
45) Met someone who changed your life? Not specifically - influenced, yes; changed, no
46) How did you bring in the New Year? Nice and relaxed at Deema's houseparty
47) What song represents you? That's a silly question
48) Name three people who might complete this? I guess Cathy, maybe Loz and I would've said Em but I nicked the quiz off her in the first place...
49) What were you doing 12 AM last night? If you mean 12 midnight then I was stumbling into bed after too much wine. Shocking behaviour for a school night
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? Am I late? Can I sneak another 10 minutes? Have I put the water on? ....all at the same time

If you want a job doing....outsource it? I think not

I've just read an article in PR Week on outsourcing PR services...much like banks outsource their call centres and phone companies send their 'help' desks abroad (note the nuance). If you're in the UK, you may vaguely recall this article from the 6th March issue, but the copy only just landed on my desk so bear with me...

So I'm thinking. And I'm thinking. And I still wonder...why?

Cost savings apart (and short term at that), I remember a wave of companies that suddenly realised that things weren't necessarily working out so well and customers were abandoning them because of language barriers, a lack of appreciation for service level expectations and a feeling that there wasn't someone nearby to offer support. As a result, insourcing became the new outsourcing.

In the PR industry, an agency thrives or dies on its service levels. Even those that position at the top end, and take pride in getting under the skin of their clients to provide really meaty business-led advice, still need to be service-orientated and able to handle the basics at the end of the day. This is how we are most often judged...on the results we deliver through the media. More to the point, junior staff rise through the ranks based on understanding and experiencing the whole gamut of operations. I remember the monthly grind of cutting and sticking (straight please!) clippings for coverage books, and I see no harm in today's juniors going through exactly the same experience. It's a discipline.

With all of this in mind, I am not saying that there aren't very competent PR people the world over across whom a company could share tasks (especially if its all part of the same organisation), but I am pretty sure that outsourcing what we consultants see as the "grunt work" is the tipping point on a downward spiral.

PR Week suggests that campaign analysis, media analysis, and media monitoring could all be done abroad. Why would a good agency do that when all of this is measurement of its hard work and proof of return on investment for a budget-scruitinising client? This is the fruits of our labour and yet the industry is advocating that we treat it as second best to the more interesting stuff. Surprisingly it also suggests that case studies, whitepapers and campaign reports be outsourced...oh yes, good idea - let's send everything that has to be produced in immaculate language and grammar (whether English, French, Arabic...) to another country, another culture and another language base. Why would the big boys bother to maintain an agency network that spans the globe with local offices in all major business centres, if it could all be done just as efficiently and effectively from a single outpost in Mumbai? Quite simply, it can't.

If you send a job elsewhere, you no longer retain a handle on its quality. Call me a control freak if you will - oh, you already did, ok - but I like to keep it in the family where people are responsible and accountable to the company, rather than shipping things to a third party.

The article's one saving grace is that it does not anywhere hint that pitching and distributing media announcements should be outsourced overseas. I think, after many a heated discussion with a company that wants me to outsource this oh-so-important part of our work (no names, but you know who you are Mr News Services Group Middle East!), I may have just exploded!

[Sound of soapbox being dismantled....]

Profession: Warlord (retired)

On Sunday a man was shot in JBR car park. Small shockwaves rippled through Dubai, a land where crime is astonishingly low and any there is gets swept under the carpet before the grapevine even gets out of bed. But this story was far from finished.

...By Monday he was identified as Chechen
...Tuesday revealed that it was actually an assassination
...By Wednesday we had forgotten all about it
...But today the fun really started. It turns out there is some confusion over whether he is alive (says family) or dead (say officials). And all the middle class residents of JBR* discovered they had been living next door to a warlord! Sorry...retired warlord.

What a shocker for those residents (which includes a colleague of mine) to know that a former Chechen warlord was living in their midst. Maybe they bumped into him in the pharmacy, sat next to him in a restaurant or queued behind him in Starbucks. Perhaps their car was parked worryingly near the spot now marked with a chalk outline (in my imagination).

As the story emerges - in The National, of course - it seems this guy has the luck of two-and-a-bit cats, having survived 19 previous attempts on his life. Nineteen! You'd have a serious chip on your shoulder by about the second or third, I reckon. Read the article - it's hilarious.

"Unfortunately he is dead and has been buried" say officials. I would say if he's been buried then it is very fortunate he is dead. But maybe he isn't, because his wife "saw him yesterday" and his brother says "he feels fine". Only in the UAE could such confusion reign.

Oh, and check out the photos. I particularly like the third one of Chechen warlord (retired) enjoying some down time and casually posing at the pool table - it's not all 'work work work' you know.

*JBR - for non-Dubaians - is a popular residential community amongst expats, located in the swanky Dubai Marina and enjoying all the luxury trappings of a local beach, shops, bars and restaurants. Very nice in fact. And very respectable.

You know you've been abroad too long when...

Your attempt at drawing a pound sign goes horribly wrong
You can't remember where - or when - you last saw your brolly...or how to switch on your windscreen wipers
You have to ask very specifically not just for milk, but COLD milk, in your tea
You no longer fill up on petrol, it's gas...and YOU don't do the filling up
Flip flops out-number boots in your wardrobe
You get really annoyed by people that don't put international dial codes on their email signatures

I'm sure there are loads more that I rant on about every day, but these are some that occurred to me during a 1 1/4 hour conference call.

Wish you were here...

One of the best things about living overseas is the thought that occassionally the people back home might be thinking of you - preferably in a nice way - and maybe missing having you around. But one of the scariest is definitely the fear that people don't.

So it is guaranteed to make me all warm and fuzzy inside when I get a random text from friends back home. The most random usually come from my boys - Jaxy and Loz - and I have to say they did themselves proud earlier in the week.

Loz: They're pulling down the Wimpy in Twickenham

Right! We never went in Wimpy, but did spend long hours in the Costa opposite musing over the fact that a fast food chain served beer and debating whether we should try it out. We never did.


That very same night (suggesting they were up to a spot of cheeky Monday night drinking) Jaxy sent me a picture of my own flat. Surely, the absolute definition of random! Although it was reassuring after the 'Wimpy in demolition shocker' news to know that my property was still standing.

Having taken another look at the mug shot (featuring Loz and Tring A), it has just twigged where they are...

Seriously - I may have left town but that is no reason to lower your standards. Get out of the WWE you dirty boys!!